What Hurts The Most
by blu3crush
Summary: (Completed) - You know, what hurts the most? It was losing the person you love. Written entirely in Sara's POV.


**What Hurts The Most**

**Sara's POV**

I am not a person who prays when I am in trouble. I don't have a religion to rely on when I am in a situation which needs divine intervention. Simply to say, I believed in myself, and learnt not to trust God to solve my problems.

I used to put my trust in God. Every Sunday, when my Mother is feeling well or is happy, she would bring me to a church.

I would sit there watching people praying silently. I would also follow them.

I prayed in my heart sincerely. I prayed to God, asking him for peace in my home. I asked him to stop those shouting, beatings and blood in my home. I prayed that I can don't wear the long sleeves and jeans in hot summer days. I prayed that my Father would stop using his leather belt to hit me.

But God didn't listen. God had failed me. God had never answered to my prayer.

The day I stopped trusting God, was when I saw my Mother plunging the sharp knife down my Father's chest repeatedly. She smiled a smile which said everything is over. She walked over to me, picked me up and cradled me in her arms.

"Sara, everything is fine now. We're safe now," She laughed. An anguish laugh.

I still can remember the blood on my face, the iron smell, vividly, till this very day. From that very day, I told myself I would stop praying. If I want things to happen, I got to work double, or triple hard.

But today, here I am, standing in the ICU, praying for a miracle. I hoped that this time God would answer them.

I moved to stand closer to Gil, wanting to feel his body, his warmth, for support. But I realized he was cold too. He was sweating cold sweats. His eyes were glued to the window, watching intently.

His beautiful face, distorted with pains. His complexion was as pale as paper. His lips pressed into a thin line. Those tear stains glistening under the harsh hospital lights.

He felt guilty. He regretted spending time in Peru, in Paris to help out the government, to teach, instead of here.

He seemed to notice me moving nearer, and took my hand in his and gave a gentle squeeze.

The green curtains in the ICU were pulled apart. And I was relief to see the small chest fall and raises. It was not a huge movement but it was enough.

I felt that my body slackened in Gil's hold. And I felt my world turned dark.

**x.x.x.x**

**Sara's Flashbacks/Dreams**

"Jinx. You're a jinx," my Father shouted, and hurled an ashtray across the hall. The ashtray skittered across the wooden floor, and stopped short of my feet.

When he saw the ashtray did not hit me as what he had intended, he stomped into the hall and pulled me by hair to the kitchen. I screamed, kicked and tried to break free from his grasp.

"Jinx!" he spat.

I wondered what set him off today. I did not do anything wrong.

I washed the dishes. I ironed his work shirts. I swept and mopped the floor. I did everything he wanted me to do.

"You made me lost so much money." He slapped my face hard. I can feel the blood trickling down my mouth. It didn't stop him. Instead, I think it excited him to see me hurt, in pains. He tugged my hair hard and slammed my head onto the kitchen sink.

"Jinx. You don't deserve to be happy," he spits on me and left the kitchen without a second look. He did not bother to check on me. He just left the kitchen with a cold beer in his hand.

I don't deserve to be happy.

**x.x.x.x**

"Sara," my P.E.A.P counselor passed me a tissue. I took it and wiped away my tears.

"It seemed that things turned worst whenever I am feeling a little happy." I swallowed the lump that was building in my throat.

"I thought I would get the promotion. I worked my ass off for that. And yet, he recommends Nick for the Lead CSI position. It hurts. I was handpicked by him to work here. Yet, he chose Nick."

Grissom choosing Nick for the Lead CSI position was just a cherry on top of an ice-cream.

My problems started accumulating when I dropped everything in my hometown and came over to Las Vegas for Grissom. He told me to get a life and I did. And what did I get in return?

Betrayal.

And, if that was not enough, the lab exploded.

He called me Honey.

And I thought, perhaps, somewhere deep in his heart, I actually meant something to him. So I decided to take the first step. I asked him out for dinner. He rejected flatly.

"Sara, it's not your fault. I think you should speak to him," the P.E.A.P counselor advised.

"You know, perhaps I should. I am tired. I just want to drop everything here and run away." I met my counselor eyes wearily.

**x.x.x.x**

Deep breaths, deep breaths, I reminded myself.

"GIL!" I shouted.

"Honey, what's the result? Gil stumbled into the bathroom anxiously.

"You look," I shoved the pregnancy test stick to him. I turned away, entrusting him with the task.

We had been disappointed so many times by the test stick.

"Honey," he wrapped his arms around me. "Positive," he said.

**x.x.x.x**

"I WANT TO KILL YOU! WHO GAVE YOU THE PERMISSION TO KNOCK ME UP?" I screamed.

The contractions were painful. It seemed that my finger was being slammed by the door repeatedly.

"Honey, calm down…" Grissom grimaced. I dug my fingernails onto his palms wanting him to feel some pains.

**x.x.x.x**

A wide smile spread across my face. I saw Grissom cooing, singing to our daughter.

"What should we name her?" I asked.

"Abbey Grissom, Abbey means My Father Rejoices." He smiled. He cradled Abbey in his arms, rocking her to sleep.

This was the first time of my life, I truly felt happy.

**x.x.x.x**

"Dr. Grissom, Abbey, she is diagnosed with Acute Leukemia."

She's diagnosed with Acute Leukemia.

"_You don't deserve to be happy," my Father told me, a sneer building up on his face._

Now I am starting to believe in him. I am a jinx, who doesn't deserve any happiness.

I bring bad luck to anyone close to me.

But why Abbey?

"Is there any cure?"

The doctor sighed, "The normal treatment is not going to work. She's just too young. Her body could not take it. She won't response well to any treatments. We suggest let nature take its course."

Let nature take its course?

How could the doctor say such cruel things? How could he?

**x.x.x.x**

**Sara's POV **

I opened my eyes slowly but shut it immediately when the white lights flooded into my eyes. The lights stung my eyes.

"Honey," Gil called, stroking my face. "The lights," I said. My voice was hoarse and cracked.

I felt the room darken a little. "I dimmed the lights."

"How's Abbey?" I asked, opening my eyes a little. "Why are you with me? Why aren't you with her? She will be afraid."

"Honey…" he trailed off, fixing his gaze on the ceiling.

Please tell me Abbey is alright. Please!

God, I will trade anything for Abbey's health.

"I want to see Abbey." I said, pushed myself up. I wanted to be in the ICU with Abbey.

He pushed me back to the bed and ordered me to rest.

"Abbey is fine… now." His kept his eyes downcast.

"Gil, please tell me she will be alright forever." I cried, buried my head into his chest.

"I can't promise you that," he choked on his tears.

**x.x.x.x**

God had forsaken me again.

I snickered at the irony.

God had forsaken Abbey and me. And Abbey lay in her small coffin, in a small church.

My tears had dried up. I could no longer cry.

The team members had come over, and offered their condolences.

I vaguely remembered Greg pulling me into a hug. "Sara, we're all here for you." He whispered.

I nodded absentmindedly.

"At least, she left without any pains." Catherine tried to console me.

I wanted to scream at her.

Abbey was in pain, huge pains. And it was my fault. I had hang on to a tiny hope that she will be alright. I allowed the doctor to hook up the different machines to her. Her little hand was swollen from all the injections and drips. Her little body was filled with tubes.

"Mummy. I will be okay. Don't cry." That was Abbey's last words for me.

She struggled with each word. She tried to smile but was hindered by the respiratory tubes in her nose.

I wanted to apologize to her. I should have let her enjoy her last days.

Gil and I had a huge argument over this.

I knew he blamed me for not letting Abbey go in peace. He had kept his distance from me since the day the doctor pronounced her dead. I knew he was grieving and wanted to spend time alone. But I needed him. I wished he could be here, so we could go through this together.

"Where's Gil?" I asked.

"Outside the church," Catherine answered. "He wanted some fresh air. I think he's at the garden."

"Catherine, can you stay here with Abbey? She will be afraid of being alone. I need to talk to Gil."

Catherine nodded and gave me a small, encouraging smile.

The weather was beautiful. The skies were blue and the clouds were fluffy and white. This is the beautiful weather to bury Abbey.

I stopped in my track when I heard Gil talking.

"Heather, I can't even look in her eyes. She was responsible for Abbey's misery. I blamed her for Abbey's death." Gil cried.

"It's never Sara's fault." Heather said, offering her hand to Gil.

Gil took her hands, thankful for the support.

"I don't know if I can continue with the marriage. Perhaps, I should go away."

Today, I lose 2 persons I loved the most.

You know, what hurts the most?

It was losing the person you love.

**x.x.x.x**

I am definitely not in a good mood.

I don't know who will be reading but if you read this, I apologized for the sad ending.

I just wanted to write an angst piece. I apologized for any mistakes, grammatical or medically, made.


End file.
